My Dyslexia Story + Living a Creative Life
Now I’m going to give you a brief version (yes, this is brief) as there are a lot of intertwined things to my story. In the grand scheme of it, this is a relatively small part of my story but one that has held a lot of weight and one I was SO scared to talk about for so long. (so for friends who were close to me growing up, don’t be offended if this is the first you’re hearing of it. I told almost no one.)
At 11 I was diagnosed with dyslexia. After years of having a hard time in school and teachers sharing concern I remember sitting in a testing room at UF listening to the specialists tell me and my mom about the “learning disability,” and explain the “type of dyslexia”…and I was devastated. Now, this was nearly 20 years ago and a lot has changed on the stigma. But at the time? It was isolating. The only other person I knew at the time that had dyslexia also had several other things going on and had to go to the special ed class. What did this mean? How bad was it? Am I that incapable and I just didn’t even realize it? (11-year-old head talk here, so please don’t take offence). It took a major toll on my confidence both in school and in life, and I didn’t tell ANYONE. I was so embarrassed by this “disability”.
“Difficulty putting thoughts into words; speaks in halting phrases; leaves sentences incomplete; mispronounces long words, or transposes phrases, words, and syllables when speaking…” and while there was more to it, when I heard this I knew it was me. Even when I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to say in my head I couldn’t seem to get it out of my mouth correctly, if at all.
At 12 my mom homeschooled me (Thanks, Mom!), and I did a lot of schooling online and took a few classes at a homeschool co-op (like, school for homeschool kids. Yes, you may laugh at that. Ha!).
Anyway, I did as much school as I possibly could throughout the 3 years I was homeschooled so I could be DONE. I didn’t want to be in school AT ALL. I hated reading and writing with a passion. And I wanted out ASAP.
During my time as a homeschool kid I grew my love for music (playing the piano) and I attended my first “real” art class. Every Tuesday at the art center next to the library I would sit in a room of elderly ladies for a still life drawing class. The teacher would set up bottles of wine and apples and we would draw with our pencils and charcoal. After I got over the initial first day of being an awkward 13-year-old in a room full of “old ladies” (in my 13-year-old mind, they were old). I loved every second of it. I loved that it didn’t require one word out of my mouth or letter on my page. I loved that I could communicate something by only using visuals. And even though I didn’t know it at the time, it was a turning point for me as far as finding my strength.
Around that same time I was really into documenting my day and the people around me. I took so many pictures and videos (with my mom’s old 90’s camcorder) of my sisters and friends, directing them in how to pose or say lines. Ask anyone who was hanging around with me between the ages of 12-15, and they will probably tell you I put a some sort of camera in their face (haha, sorry guys). Then, I got more into photography. I loved that again, like in art class and like playing the piano, I was able to communicate so much without saying a word.
During all this I was still being homeschooled until the age of 15. It was then that I only needed 3 more classes to graduate high school! (I was so stoked!) I decided that I wanted to go back to a regular school for “senior year” (Yaasss senior year as a brace faced 15-year-old, party on!). I registered for the 3 classes I needed (English, American Government, and Economics) along with 3 electives (Photography, Art/Portfolio, and Cooking).
Half-way through the school year, it had come back, while I had passed my Math FCAT (Florida’s standardized testing). I had failed the reading/writing portion (What?? Me?!) and would not be able to graduate if I couldn’t pass it. I was so scared. I JUST WANTED TO BE DONE FER FERK SAKE. That failure also came with having to drop out of an art class to take a “special intensive” reading class. Thankfully after I took the FCAT again I passed just enough and was able to graduate. SEE YA, SUCKAS! (JK. jk jk.)
Shortly after graduation at 16, I started working full-time and did photography stuff on the side. At 18, I enrolled in college (something that I honestly didn’t want to do, but felt I “should,” right?)... studied design for 2 years while working full time as an Ophthalmic Tech. I eventually dropped out because it honestly wasn’t worth it (to me) to go into more design school debt. So I pushed into photography more and eventually (it’s been a long road, guys) it picked up. I’m incredibly grateful for this career and the people it has given me the honor of knowing.
While I have for sure improved over time, there was a point where my trouble with dyslexia put strain on my relationships. [Ex: When my husband and I were dating and engaged (I was 19/20/21 yrs old) I remember our crazy fights and how I struggled with getting the words out that I had in my head and all the miscommunication and frustration we had to work through in the beginning]. We were, thankfully, extremely open and honest but more often than not, I could barely communicate what I wanted to.
Knowing my struggle, he would ask me if I would try reading to him in the car while we were on long drives. You guys!! I would literally cry (like, for REAL) out of embarrassment because I would mess up so much and say “I can’t do this!!” and he’d respond “Yes, you can!! Yes you can, Allie!” in the most loving and passionate way (AKA, kinda yelling, but if you know Buddy, you know what I mean). So you know what? I kept trying and kept trying. And I’ve only gotten better and better. (Thanks, B. You’re the best there is.)
In a lot of ways dyslexia gave me the gift of a creative career because at the time, it was the “only” option to me. It was a creative career or nothing. (Obvs, not really — a girls gotta eat! I spent 6 years as an Ophthalmic Tech while workin’ the side hustle).
It’s funny because now I’ve started this site which requires a lot of writing (something I hated so so much) and now when I finish a book I automatically start a new one. (It took me many adult years to actually finish my first non-school-required book). I’m also currently working on a different writing project, and I don’t even know who I am anymore. Who knows, maybe I’ll start speaking as well and just really freak my 12-year-old self out. (Totally kidding, that hurt my stomach to even type).
Looking back, it’s crazy how much this diagnosis affected me mentally and for such a long time. It makes me realize, no matter what the actual circumstances are, how much power we have over our truth, you know?
I am grateful for what dyslexia has taught me about being innovative and creative, and most importantly how it has taught me to recognize that I have the power to be or do anything if I choose it fully. And while I still have a lot to work through, I’m so proud at how far I’ve come.
